Excitement and dread mixed throughout my consciousness. Upon seeing her the tension escalated to another level as the atmosphere became charged by our proximity to one another. As we began to talk I felt like everyone around us had superhuman hearing and were of course focused intently on our conversation. I thought surely at some point someone we knew would walk up and ask just what the hell was going on. Obviously didn’t happen.
While I had been plotting how to handle logistics in order to escalate physically, she had decided to take a much more direct route. After a few minutes of awkward small talk, she turned a sharp corner in the conversation and approached the issue directly. “Obviously we didn’t come here to talk about that,” she says to me, “I think you know what we need to talk about; about where we both know this is going.” Paraphrasing here.
I wasn’t prepared for her to be so candid. Well let’s be honest here, I wasn’t prepared for this situation at all. Who is? I was making it up as I went. It was at this point that I really felt like everyone around stopped what they were doing and were leaning in to hear us better. We walked away from the crowd and the situation felt a little more easy to navigate. Despite her straightforwardness I felt like it still needs to be handled very delicately. After all besides both of us being married with children, she is a coworker; it’s a lot on the line. But fighting biology can easily be a losing battle.
For as much passion that was evident thus far, our agreement was very businesslike. We decided matter-of-factly that we both want it, and would pursue an affair with each other. Romantic right? Immediately we decided to lay the framework for how we would continue to stay in contact, now doing it discreetly through secret email accounts. We parted ways agreeing to figure out the particulars later at work.
Part of the reason affairs are so intoxicating is the excitement and anticipation has an adolescent quality to it. Something you feel so rarely as an adult and rarer still the older you get. It’s a more vivid reminder of what it’s like to be young than any memory you could possibly recall. Especially when circumstances combined to make me feel very old beyond my years. It was a unique form of rejuvenation.
With nothing physical having happened yet, you would think things would have been more or less the same as before. But we weren’t just talking, we were colluding; building our secret world together. The power of this is amplified for affairs as its all about the secrecy. At least initially.
It’s telling about the debauchery that can happen in hospitals that so much of this takes place in one. If this isn’t new knowledge to you then you won’t find it surprising that the first time we found ourselves alone with each other was at work. Despite our decision I was still hesitating. Still avoiding that inevitable contact. I was standing at the brink, as scared as I was excited. One simple phrase from her sent me over the precipice.
We stood close; closer as we conversed. An extended pause, and then, “Just touch me.”